Day Seven

Dear Journal,

It feels like my first day here all over again. Like I'm the new soldier, always asking questions, always getting the least important job, like caring for a baby while everyone else is digging graves. So much happened in the past few hours since I was woken up by the whistle. We received news that San Ildefonso has fallen into loyalist hands, and we were going to fight and take it back. It had been with almost no warning that we were told to pack our things and line up in front of Captain Mendoza. Ignacio, Lolo and I were supposed to follow Sergeant Diaz and wait by a river to keep watch until the rest of the army came with Captain Mendoza. Again, just like two days ago, I felt a rush of relief as we left the fortress, but that was gone in a second as I remembered why we were doing so. I learned many things in the past week in the camp, but one of the most important things I learned is that you always have to expect surprises in a war. This was one of those times when you have to walk out of your bubble and be ready for anything that might happen. I knew that no matter what happened today, I was going to have to fire a gun. And kill someone. That thought scared me more than anything else, and the knot that appeared in my stomach as we left the HQ tightened every few steps. Only I knew that I had not killed the loyalist on our patrol two days ago. Only I knew that I was too chicken to kill even my enemy. But when the time came, the loyalist armies where surfing on boats a few meters away from us, that I had to do it, or I would die. And I pressed the trigger. I can't say I enjoyed it, I don't think anyone would enjoy hurting a fellow human being, but I did feel relieved that the knot in my stomach disappeared.